Allan Watched "Hocus Pocus"
Beloved by many, and truly insane throughout, Hocus Pocus has similar qualities to many of the 90’s movies we love so much, mainly because of when it reminds us of, and less for what the actual product looks like.
Gut Feeling
I completely get the love for Hocus Pocus. There was nothing like being a kid and on a cool autumn night, running around town and trick-or-treating with friends, and this movie easily shoots you right back into the Red Power Ranger costume you wore three years in a row, making you feel happy to be back at a time that feels very far away.
As a movie, Hocus Pocus is bat-shit crazy. Like truly insane. Having never watched this movie until now, at the ripe age of 27, I was not as forgiving of the comically bizarre jumps and turns through a first-draft-looking script, much to the frustration of the lovely Kellye.
Give Me More Midler
This movie’s only watchable moments are really when Bette Midler is on screen. SJP and Kathy Najimy give a nice dose of funny throughout but add very little other than sidekick antics, and the child acting is very 90’s bad, so Midler basically puts the entire movie on her back, which is not a bad thing.
It is funny to think that this was at the true height of Midler’s movie success, having just made her award-winning performances in For the Boys and Gypsy, but the movie my generation will remember her for is this crazy film.
It is also fun seeing a young Thora Birch play the tough younger sister of the scurrying Max. You can see the skill set even at a young age that would shine in American Beauty and Ghost World.
A Very Rough Draft
My defense of 90’s cult-favorites that people outside my generation tear down (Sandlot, The Big Green, etc.) is usually that inside the bad 90’s kid acting that we love is usually a pretty solid script. Sandlot wasn’t exactly Faulkner, but the story had a clear premise, it broke down well and had a satisfying ending. I did not feel the same about Hocus Pocus. I am still confused how that ancient guy became a cat at all, then was immortal some how (if he was made by Midler, why would the evil witch make him immortal??), and then very quickly, without incident to him, just dies on the spot.
The other part of this movie I’m obsessed over is that Max and Allison say like seven words to each other the entire movie, and fall in love! Usually these movies drag out the love story and you have to watch them awkwardly go after each other. But nope, just being around each other for five hours of real time was enough for them to snuggle together despite no advancement of their relationship at all. The more I type, the more I wish other stories did this, just made them happily ever after without any work, to save us all time. I am clearly over thinking all of this, so I will move on.
Did I Mention I Need More Midler?
My only thought on the music, which is fine and fun, is that you have Bette freaking Midler. Have her sing at least seven times. I love SJP as much as the next person, but there was no need for her to sing at all. Just give us the goods.
Random Thoughts
I was not comfortable with how cat-boy spoke to Dani at the end. She is a child, you feline creep.
This movie has to have the record for saying the word “virgin” the most in a kids film. Kellye is pretty sure it was watching this movie that made her look up what it meant.
The witches being afraid of the kid angel made me laugh way too hard, and it was perfect.
Two title drops! And one was said sarcastically to make fun of the first title drop! That was an effective use of title drops.
Did kids really just walk into people’s houses like Max and Dani did into Allison’s house? And are we going to ignore that Allison’s family was having a creepy, not-child-friendly-looking masquerade party, and Allison is dressed up for it, and they were cool with kids just walking in at any time. I thought this movie was headed towards a “Allison is also from the past” arc, but it was just thrown away like no big deal.
On a similar note, these parents seem to have no concern at all where there kids are. That throw-down Max’s parents are at did not look like a party that was ending by the time their kids were home, and it is just irresponsible.
Ice and whatever the other bully’s name was are the two worst 90’s bullies ever. “Those California kids sure do like the environment!” was almost verbatim one of the insults they bully Max with.
That bus driver should not be allowed near children.
The witches are capable of using magic, but only use it like twice?
Quick Hits:
How many times have I seen this movie?
First time!
Where was I watching it?
With Kellye at home on the couch. I was eating some really good fettuccine with salmon from a restaurant by us. It felt too fancy for the movie I was watching.
One Random Thought?
Where do the stairs lead to in Max’s room?
Did Kellye Watch it? If Yes, did she like it. If no, would she like it?
Kellye loves Hocus Pocus. She watches it ever year. As I went to write this review she said to me, “Don’t be a dick”. I tried…
Favorite fact I learned from Wikipedia
Two things: 1. Leonardo DiCaprio was going to be cast as Max, but instead took What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?. Big mistake Leo. 2. Kathy Najimy’s wedding was officiated Gloria Steinem, and that is badass.
Favorite part
Every time the witches are afraid of things.
Least favorite part
Every time Max has to apologize to Dani for being a butthead older brother.
Would I recommend this movie and why?
I’m apparently the last person to watch this movie, so have at it.
So What Does Allan Give It?
One thumbs up. Overall, a 52. 90’s nostalgia is worth about 32 points to me, clearly. Now run away!
